I laugh and smile and lust for that moment of happiness that it brings me BigB

Jalsa , Mumbai          Mar 29/30 ,  2012                  Thu/Fri  2 : 23 AM

I am late because I self indulge .. I like it when I do that .. I laugh and smile and lust for that moment of happiness that it brings me .. a piece of music that I enjoy, a glorious shot, an interaction with well wishers, a moment of suggestion that receives approval … all of it uplifts me … places me alongside … MYSELF !! Where I see myself in proper perspective to me. It demands that it be exclusive and solitary. It is after all what has been created by me .. but now .. for me … and about me !!

It is selfish many may express. Perhaps ! But the fear of it not receiving similar plane, would be injurious and of immense damage. And so opinion, voice, expression or any other form of creation I shall keep to myself. So long as I am happy with what I have, I am complete. Today to me the appreciation of another may not necessarily be the value genuine. Many factors get motivated in such. I wish to judge myself with my own personal yardstick. It could be the worst possible measure. But the satisfaction of it being entirely mine, is satisfaction enough. Thats it !!

I have but one reserve. You my Ef !! I have always sensed a genuine voice in whatever you have expressed. Most of the time it has been largely complimentary. Any individual would love such being. I confess so do I. But somehow, through the passage of time I have begun to believe that there does exist another ego, an alter ego, which despite many trials has stood the test of not just time, but circumstance as well. All circumstance of mine has not always been correct, or faultless. Humans will and do make the mistakes. We would not be human if we did not. But my alter ego, my extended family has helped me along this arduous path. And for this I shall remain eternally grateful.

 

I relish procedure, etiquette, protocol. All of which has been subscribed by this little warm hearted family that we have built so arduously. But yet there shall be – and I am loathe to say – events, moments that shall remain sacredly personal, and my respect for all those that come with me here, shall never be challenged because time and again you have demonstrated the honor and dignity that you give to this platform. Thank you !!

Your concern I know is not artificial. It is genuine and moves me to tears at times. But I do have to say that moments that I request for my selfish pursuits has always been given the respect that it has demanded. And so it deserves another thank you …

I am, much like any other, keen to express, but I feel I must share with no other. Sometimes it is difficult to bring others to the same plane. How wonderful it would be if without effort or direction others could sense the plane required. I wish and ask for it at times. When it does not come, I find it futile to express rancor. Why damage my whole, by that which could possibly dent it. Dent !! Nothing more. But a dent stands out more in a perfect fit than any other, and should, I feel, be avoided.

 

Ahhh !! I get too mysterious and in modes of self philosophized bumpfh !! Ignore it all. The fault lies with me. I miss my Father. And references to his work through my immature decibels, leaves me weak and indulgent. I repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat …. his words and his 'dhun' in my ears, and I fret the presence of any other while I do so. I glance at the door often enough. I would object to visitation at the moment. My expression may not be quite so quiet. I wonder if that would attract attention. Attention would rob me of the elation that I feel for now. I could scream, laugh or laugh and cry, say words or express in volume the moment, create my own hemisphere … which … would never be understood by any other … and that I would like … but ….

We have not been born to be so. We are born to bear pain and despair and argument and stress and fulfillment and happiness and within that, sadness and loneliness, joy and laughter … It is but the uncertainty of its bearing that is destructive, for, one never knows when it shall appear. You are put on guard, all the time. That is not my condition for peaceful existence. I wish it to be free from all encumbrances. Which is why when I put the earphones to my hearing, and live in that intense undisturbed atmosphere of my creation, and my Father, the ecstasy of my expression is not just the enjoyment of the sound, but the freedom from the outside – undisturbed, and without any kind of pollution of external forces. Another world comes up. And this is the world that you wish to live in for that moment.

And so … when I miss my Father's presence, I wish to escape into his world. To be with him, to hear him, to read him, project him the way I feel it should be. That for me is the most effective healing of my soul ….

 

So from the sublime, because we are human we needs must shift to the real. And the real states, that pain is visible by its abstract quality which is absolute. My surgery hurts. There are snatches of sharp pain, almost convulsive in nature. It depicts either, that something is grievously wrong with what was done, or that the healing is at its last stages. The flame burns the brightest in  the 'diya' before it burns itself out. I hope it is the latter. On most examinations, that is what was conveyed to me. I shall not doubt the information. But I must keep on …

I sit at home and rehearse my appearance for the IPL. Technology has so many advantages these days. I think that eventually it would want us to be glued to our seats for all that we may desire to posses or do.

I wish I could clap my hands and shift locations, get my desired food, or entertainment. Its coming pretty close to that, one can see. But what a world it would be. Those of my age would not live to see it, but the next generation will. And what a wonderful life they would be exposed to. Wonderful !! We hope, for with all invention comes other severe issues. Better to wait for them rather than preempt …

I punch away oblivious of the time. It nears almost a quarter more to 4 am and I have long past that decisive hour of slumber .. even when I shall depart from here, there is a desire to lie awake and seek a view of that which could perhaps induce sleep within … let me try .. !!

More later then … much later

Love and more …

Amitabh Bachchan