I am lethargic and lazy and without direction

Jalsa , Mumbai               Nov/Dec  1,  2011       Wed/Thu  12 : 30 AM

I am lethargic and lazy and without direction … I am just I am … Absence of an occupation that has triggered my life for the past 42 years, creeps in slowly but surely, to meet certain requirements that are not essential, for the moment at least. There is nobility in acceptance. There is sanity in the acceptance of fault. There is tolerance to a flash of waywardness. But this … I am not so sure what it is and what it means.

So … what did you think of that opener ? Somewhat abstract and not truly in the spirit of the Blog was it ? A safe beginning marks your way and path with fresh ideas and subjects to dwell upon. I haven’t an inkling of what those ideas could possibly be. But so long as I am getting the word count at the bottom of this page increasing proportionately, I do not think of there being any problem. The longer it takes to get to that idea the better for me. It is a struggle for me when I sit me self down to address an expectant Ef, with all that has transpired for the day for me. Or if not that, since it can become diaryish, just to chatter on about endless matter which may or may not eventually make any sense. I mean lets face it .. what has really been put across so far, that could possibly be recognized as sensible. But then that is the trick, is it not – to be faltering my way to the end of the page without having disclosed anything at all.

Is there in the real sense any thing at all that can be disclosed. Most of this banter has been fairly open and wide angled has it not ? Wide angled ? Thats a peculiar term ! Thats looking at life or events with a 18 or 24 mm lens, or worse the 9 mm, distortions and all …

Wide angles give impressions of space and width and a vastness which does not really exist, but can be made to look so, because of the density of the lens – a lens that has not been manufactured by nature, by man or woman or human ( just keeping the protocol right, before the ladies charge up objections ). Manufactured wideness gives impressions of that which is not visible with what we are endowed with at birth. Endowed ! Perhaps an incorrect word to use .. ‘born with’ would be more appropriate ! Change that would you please as you go along. I really do not have the patience and the time to delete and go back and highlight and select and shift to get the impressions right !!!

And so we muster courage and get movin’ on … as most modern day AD’s working on film projects at the ‘shoot’ would say when they would inform us that the shot that we just did, is fine and we are now ‘movin on’ to the next shot !! Complicated life this .. film making !!

But .. but … but …. seriously though, there has been some serious thought provoking meetings with possible makers and they are chuffed about their tales and hopes of starting a film soon. The problem lies with me really. My inconsistent nature and that horrid tag of long hours and time on decision making, does not give prospective makers the liberty to go ahead with the project ; go ahead with anything !

And so here I am just as complicated and uncertain as when the day began. Unable to take decision and formulate my need to get back in the studio, wherever it may be …

At the dining table interesting conversations on films and possible projects coming up, filled up the time. The family seemed as interested in my indecision as they did in their decisions for me. They sound encouraging and full of fresh hope, but they do know as do I that eventually it shall have to have personal approval. And that personal approval is taking a helluva long time to come to terms ..

Soooo ….

It comes the time to crawl back into bed, with that expectation that tomorrow will come with some fresh ideas .. they are essential for me to think so … and essential for the well wishers too. The gap that has arisen after the after of KBC has been expressed in strong terms and one must pay heed to it !!

Good night … and may you have pleasant dreams, of love and flowers and happiness and fulfillment. Mine these days are vivid and real but do not make any sense. They are not frightening or scary .. just vivid. And now having said that Messrs Dream Makers shall make sure tonight is filled with nothing else but that ..

Do take very good care of yourselves and do permit me the liberal license to write the inconsequential ‘bumphff’ that I have today … though I do believe that ‘there is something in it’ .. as Sanjay Leela Bhansali would often say on set, every time he saw a visual or a performance that seemed to touch him.

Now how on earth did I suddenly think of him !!?? See I told you …

Amitabh Bachchan